What initially started this “deflated” feeling was the finding out that a friend from college was killed by her boyfriend. She was a victim of domestic violence. She was 26 years old, a mother, a nursing student, a daughter, and a friend. She was on her way to the top. She was funny and kind and she was shot to death. In the past, I worked for years at a local domestic violence shelter and due to this and various things, I know all too well the tragedy of domestic violence. I will say that I generally never cry at funerals. Hell, half the time I’m so uncomfortable I laugh uncontrollably, but at her funeral, I couldn’t stop crying. She was so much like me, determined and as she would say, “addicted to success” and it was all taken away from her. I am forever broken-hearted for her unfinished life, for her mom and dad, for her precious little boy, for all the things she wanted to do and will never get to. She was robbed of her life and I can’t seem to shake it… I’m just sorry for her.
Another thing that contributes to my deflated state is the stress of taking the bar,taking the MPRE, finding a job, moving. All of this is way in the future (except the MPRE, more on that later) but I can’t help but worry about it. So many law students can’t find a job after graduation. I have been working my butt off making contacts in my field of law since before law school but what if, despite my best efforts, I still have a struggle? I did have a phone conversation yesterday with a lawyer in Seattle who is actually from my hometown (surprisingly). He went over firms in Seattle that work on environmental issues. I got great advice from him and great leads for internships/jobs. He said he will help me out which is great but I’m still worried nonetheless…
My car has decided to go on strike as well. It’s like the damn thing waited until the most stressful time of the semester to decide to break. The car must be really mad because it broke so bad that it will cost thousands to fix. THOUSANDS! No exaggeration. What law student has that kind of money and at finals no less. I stuck it somewhere and I’ll deal with it when finals are over. Honestly, I’ll have to get a new car. It’s just too much… SO upsetting.
Everything else that is making me feel deflated is just the stress of law school and the fact that life goes on while I am in law school. What I mean by this is that while all kinds of fun things are happening, I can’t do any of them. I know that sounds selfish but it makes me really, really sad. I know that anyone who is not in law school will not understand this but for me it’s all too real. I am used to going around with my friends to events, to the farmer’s market, to yoga, going to various concerts, and shows, going to lunch/brunch, shopping with my mom, etc. Anytime anyone asks me, I have to say no when I really do want to go. Plus, Christmas is coming and the season is upon us already. At this time, I am normally shopping and taking part in all the fall festivities but I have to pass on it. Black Friday is normally a favorite for me. We normally go get our tree, shop and eat lunch. This is the second year that I will miss it. The hours, days, and weeks of non-stop school work are just making me sad. Law school is everything I ever wanted and I am beyond blessed to be here. I just miss my life....
Anything that I do, take a shower, go to the grocery store, let the dogs out, I feel like there is a cloud of stress and self inflicted guilt pouring down “you should be studying” raindrops on my head. It is like this every semester at finals. A few nights ago, I stayed up til 4:00 a.m. doing school work. I woke up at 7:00 a.m. and really wanted to study but I was exhausted and could not study. I told myself that I was going to take a little nap and then get up and study. What actually happened was that I lay there for hours guilting myself for not studying. A waste of time.
The things that are pressing for me now are obviously studying for finals and the thousands of note cards that I have made to help me study. (literally thousands) Also, two of my professors just dropped two papers on us to write. How am I supposed to study my thousands of note cards, hundreds of pages of outlines, and write papers on top of that?!? We also have interim questions for my Evidence class that we are supposed to be doing as well. So, studying allllllllll the stuff, writing two papers, study questions, and interim questions have me against the ropes.
At this point hope and God are the only things keeping me going. Hope that I can save the animals, hope that I can help the earth, hope of my happy life in Seattle…
It’s going to be over soon and I am looking forward to my break! This will be my last blog post until after finals in two weeks. I’ll be back after they are all over to update everyone on how they went and my plans for the break. I know that my chapter of Student Animal Legal Defense Fund will be going to the Animal Law CLE a few days after finals are over. I am so excited about that and Christmas! I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving! Talk to you all after finals! Thanks for all the love I have been getting and please keep me in your prayers as I go through finals again. Much Love.