So, three years ago, I was getting ready to go to law school. I couldn’t wait. The excitement was real. When I got there, it was hard, damn hard. It was challenging and scary and exhilarating. I was so happy to be there… finally. I thought I had finally made it. As I struggled through my classes and sleepless nights filled with homework, I always reassured myself that when I was a 3L I would somehow morph into a perfectly curated little lawyer lady and saunter into courtrooms with a winning attitude. Somehow, I thought I would be all different, after all, law school was three years and that was a long time.
Fast forward to now and “Oh my God”. Yes, I got through all the sleepless nights, I learned to manage the stress, there are not as many tears anymore but there is something else that is taking the place of all of this. Fear and sadness. I thought I would be so happy to graduate, to get out of law school and finally be an attorney but I’m not. Well, I am; however, with finals creeping up in a few weeks, I just want time to stop. This is the last time that my classmates and I will all be together like this. These people have become my dear friends, my family, my tribe. It’s one thing to tell a friend who isn’t in law school about the struggle you are going through but when you tell a friend who is in it with you, they get it because they are going through the same thing. We are all going to be taking the bar, moving away, and getting started as the country’s newest lawyers. I love my law school. I’m so sad to be leaving this place of comfort and security.
I’ll never see many of my friends again. We can say we will stay in touch but the truth of it all is that the law is hard. We are going to be pulled away and forget about each other. I’ll never sit in the atrium of my school with my friends again and laugh over lunches. I’ll never get to see that professor that has meant everything to me and has had my back from day one. That guy I have a crush on now and his pretty eyes will be a distant memory in a little over a month. These sweet things that have filled my heart with so much love and light are coming to an end. My beautiful law school experience, that I wanted for so long, is almost over. While I am so happy that it happened, I’m incredibly sad that it’s ending. On top of the sadness, I’m filled with fear.
Going to law school was terrifying. I left a decent paying job that many girls would have been so happy to have. I took a great leap of faith and flew off into the unknown world of law school. As I’m getting ready to fly again, the fear is more than it was before. I guess I have more to lose now. My head is filled with all kinds of “what if’s”. Where am I going to work? Where am I going to live? Should I further my education? Can I do it?
I know this isn’t everyone’s experience in law school. I hear my friends say how much they hate it. For me, law school was the single most amazing thing I have ever done. I became who I am supposed to be as a human on this earth in law school. I became the most correct version of myself. It was so much more than learning the law. I don’t want to leave but I know I have to. So while I thought that 3L year was going to be easy breezy, it’s emotionally difficult. And that’s the hardest thing in the world.
Anyway, I just wanted to put together a post about these unexpected feelings that have come up. I hate it. I thought I was going to be on top of the world with joy. While I am filled with gratitude for the chance of a lifetime, I’m so sad that this chapter is ending and so scared about the new journey ahead of me.
Please say prayers for me as I get ready for this transition.