Maybe it would be different for me but I’ve been under tremendous stress with packing, moving, finding a place to live, impending bar prep, and travel plans. While so many of my classmates are posting pics of them at the beach and celebrating the end of law school, I have been neck deep in packing boxes which isn’t fun. Additionally, I didn’t have a very good time with this last set of finals. It was actually worse than those first 1L finals. The stress was on big time. The thing with the last semester is that if you fail, you can’t graduate. For me, this meant that I wouldn’t get to go to my LLM program, wouldn’t get to take the bar, and wouldn’t get to move. A lot was riding on this. I’ll spare you all the boring details of my living situation but I must move. So, failing wasn’t an option for me and if I did fail, everything would have fallen apart. I was under so much stress that I made myself sick during my last exam. I had a panic attack (which I have never had before), in the middle of the last exam. My heart was racing, I was sweating, I couldn’t breathe, my arm even got numb. The room was spinning, I was nauseated, and I couldn’t think. Suffice it to say, I didn’t do so well on that exam but I did pass so I guess that’s all that really matters.
Considering that last exam experience, I’m actually happy that law school is over. The stress has been the worst that I have ever encountered in my life. While I did love law school and have an amazing experience, it was hard as hell. Law school is a place where your best is never good enough and is for, sure, not for the faint of heart. The stress has really taken a toll on me and my health. I just wish I felt differently about the end. When I graduated from undergrad, I was so happy. I thought it would be like that now but it’s not. I mean, I am happy but the moving, packing, bar exam stress is a lot to deal with. I didn’t even send out invites and I won’t be doing so. I have so much to do and I haven’t been feeling all that well. It’s pretty anticlimactic. Once everything settles for me, I will plan to get together with the people that are close to me and say goodbye before I am off to the next chapter. Now is just not a good time for me.
I know that this sounds so negative but I don’t mean it to be. I just want to be as real as I can with my readers. I don’t want someone to read this and think that law school is some glamorous place. It’s not. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Law school was the single best thing that I have ever done. It was what I was supposed to do. It was my divine life path, my calling. It was the one thing that I ever did in my life just because I wanted it. I gave up everything for it. So, I am filled with gratitude that I got to go and I would do it all over again. I’m just saying that it was exhausting and I’m happy it’s over now.
Anyway, new adventures are ahead, I just have to get through the nitty gritty. In a few months, I will be living a completely different life, will be a student at a new school, will live in a new state, and may or may not be an Airstream dweller (more on that in another post). Real change is coming and I am so filled with gratitude for it. I am just trying to find the courage to accept it and the energy to prepare for it. I’ll be posting again soon so until next time…