Now, as much as I would like for people to read my blog and think that I am living in some kind of perfect land of lollipops and cookies (vegan of course), I would be remiss if I allowed anyone to step away thinking that. I know there are other blogs out there that paint a pretty picture for people. Hell, I like to read those perfectly curated blogs. However, sometimes, after I am finished reading a particularly perfect blog or watching a seemingly perfect vlog, I feel like crap. I question myself as to why my life cannot be that perfect or why can’t I be more like that person. Here’s the secret though, it’s all fake. It’s not real. I know that those other bloggers and vloggers have the same kind of sh*t to deal with that I do. I don’t want my blog to make others feel bad, I want others who read this to know that I struggle too, life is not perfect, and sometimes it’s a bummer. I want my readers to feel empowered rather than walk away wanting some kind of fake ass version of reality. Further, I want to look back on my blog and my time here in law school and see how far I have come. I want to remember the hard times and know that I made it through. So in light of all of that, I won’t sugar-coat anything here.
Although things have been looking pretty perfect from the outside, they haven’t been. On the outside, it looks amazing. I got a two substantial scholarships within weeks of each other, I have a fantastic internship actually saving animals, I just finished my second year of law school, I’m moving to another state next year, I’m going to be traveling soon, I have a great animal law related internship lined up for the fall, etc. It all seems great, I know… I’m beyond blessed and I know it. I am filled with gratitude for everything that I have and everything that is to come. BUT, I have been struggling lately in a real way. When you struggle like that, nothing seems good and instead of focusing on all the great things, you let those horrible, painful things define you.
I have been dealing with personal issues that are not really worth mentioning however, they are taking and have taken a real toll on me. I didn’t do as well as I wanted this past semester at all. I can be sure that my grades are a reflection of my having to deal with such stupid things. I really struggled with that. I guess that I feel that law school is the one thing that I have going for me. It is the one thing that I gave up everything for, the one thing that I did only for me because it is what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, most of my grades were good, great even. However, there were a couple grades that were not my best work. Yes, I passed all my classes but I could have done better and that has upset me along with everything else for the last few weeks. I really struggled, like a lot. For a few weeks, I let those grades and this hard time define me. In reality, I’m undefinable! Nothing can define me as a person, not those grades, not any problem/situation, not anyone’s opinion of me, NOTHING!
Before I started law school, I thought it was some fairy land of smart people in cute suits. I thought that I was going to suddenly morph into this perfect little lawyer girl and it was all going to be amazing. I thought that regular life would stop and I was only going to focus on law school. HA! How wrong I was. I can confidently say now that it’s no fairy land. I don’t know what it is but it’s, for sure, just not a fairy land. Few people dress up every day. For me, I mostly wear coffee stained yoga clothes, hair is generally a mess, and I sport some of the finest bags under my eyes you ever saw. It hasn’t been pretty. I cry on the way home sometimes just because I’m exhausted. I get so tired sometimes that I physically make myself sick. It’s HARD! Life definitely didn’t stop and has in fact, thrown real crap my way, especially this past semester. Who cares though! I’m getting through it and above all, I am doing the best that I can and that is all that matters.
I’m just so thankful the semester is behind me so that I can focus on other things like my upcoming trip to my dream school to take animal law classes that I will thankfully get credit for! I I have also been working diligently on projects for my internship. I absolutely love it! It scares me to death though. No amount of preparation in school can prepare a person for the crippling fear of doing legal things for real. It’s scary! I am always wondering if I am doing it correctly or if I am way off. Thankfully, my boss is great and gives awesome feedback so that I can learn. (I will be doing a “Summer Day in the Life” next blog post so stay tuned for more on this).
Anyway, I’m never going to be that perfect girl and really, I wouldn’t want to be. My journey in life and in law school has been perfectly imperfect. I suppose that’s the way that it was supposed to be all along. If you see one of those “perfect” girls, know that it’s not me; but if you look just past her, you might get a glimpse of me, I’ll be the one tripping and spraining her ankle while trying to rescue a stray dog. It is what it is. :)